How Bakura Stole Opet
by Omega19x
Summary: A holiday parody with a motif quite Egyptian,to the reading of Dr. Seuss' 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'


Every one  
Down in Egypt  
Liked the feast of Opet a lot...

But Bakura

Who lived just North of the kingdom,  
Did NOT!

Bakura hated feasts!  
The first feast of the year!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows what he feared.  
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.  
It could be, perhaps, his loincloth was too tight.  
But I think that the reason most on the mark,  
May have been that his ka was two sizes too dark.

But,  
Whatever the reason,  
His ka or his pants,  
He stood there on the feast day, hating the Egyptians.  
Staring up from Kul Elna with a curled sour face  
At the warm lighted windows above, in the palace.  
For he knew every peasant, and then every priest  
Was busy now, preparing for the great feast.

He snarled with a sneer. "And On Ammon-Ra's barque,"  
"A special ritual is held at every last stop!"  
Then he growled, with his thin fingers nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find a way to keep the festival from coming!"  
For, tomorrow, he knew...  
with the dawning of Ra,  
They'd confirm the right of that king's divine ka!  
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!  
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then Egyptians, young and old, would sit down to a feast.  
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!  
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!  
They would start with processions, with grand food and drink,  
Which was something the thief couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN  
They'd do something he liked least of all!  
Every one in the palace, the tall and the small,  
Would stand close together, the sennen items ringing.  
They'd drop to their knees. And the people start praising!

They'd praise! About peace!  
AND they'd PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE!  
And the more Bakura thought of the blessed five days.  
The more Bakura thought, "I must stop this whole craze!  
"Why for fifteen long years I've put up with it now!  
I MUST stop the festival from coming!  
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!  
An awful idea!  
BAKURA  
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Bakura laughed through his gloom.  
And he made a quick jaunt to the former king's tomb.  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "An impressive array!  
With his cloak and diadiankh, I'll make them all pay!

All I need is a monster."  
Bakura looked around.  
But since monsters are scarce, there were none to be found.  
Did that stop the thief king...?  
No! Bakura simply said,  
"If I can't find a monster, I'll make one instead!"  
So he called on his ka. The one called Diabound,  
And he summoned the monster onto the ground.

THEN  
He loaded his bags  
And stuffed gold into sacks  
He tied a mummy, of course.  
And he hitched up his horse.

Then the thief said, "Giddyap!"  
And the horse started down  
Toward the palace where the priests  
Stand protecting their town.

All the windows were dark. Quiet sand filled the streets.  
The Egyptians were all dreaming their sweet little dreams.  
When he came to the first guard in the lot.  
"This is stop number one," The vile king of thieves hissed  
And he climbed on to the roof, just clenching his fists.

He slid down the wall. And knocked out both the guards.  
Hey, if Ra could do it, then it couldn't be hard.  
It did not slow him down, just a moment or two.  
Then he stuck his head in the adjoining room.  
Where the six temple priests all stood in a row.  
"These dumb priests," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most beastly,  
Around the whole room, and he struck anything priestly!  
Mahaado! And Isis! Priest Shaada! Set!  
Priest Kalim! Akunadin! Pharaoh! And yet,  
They stood up defending. Then Bakura, very nimbly,  
dismounted his horse, and then threw out the mummy!

He chastised them all, as they called out their beasts,  
For not having been welcomed at all to the feast!  
He cleaned out their monsters with only a nod.  
Why, Bakura's ka took on an Egyptian God!

Then he ordered his ka to attack with such gall.  
"And NOW!" grinned Bakura, "I will destroy you all!"

And the thief faced the pharaoh, he started to gloat.  
When he heard a small sound in the back of his throat.  
He turned in his mind, and he saw little Ryou!  
Little hikari, Ryou, stepping from his soul room.

Bakura had been caught by his little hikari.  
Who'd come out of his mind, and heard all the party.  
He stared at Bakura and said, "…um… Yami, why,  
"Why are you fighting the poor pharaoh? WHY?"

But, you know, that Bakura was so smart and so slick  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
"Why, my sweet little Ryou," the king of thieves lied,  
"We're all just dueling here. So stay off to the side.  
I just pulled a trap card out of my hat.  
It's all in good fun. I assure you of that."

And his fib fooled poor Ryou. He knew that it might.  
He pushed him inside, locked the soul room door tight.  
And with his hikari buried so deep inside,  
HE struck one last blow and started to ride!

Then the last thing he did was set the village on fire.  
As he dashed through the streets, just like he conspired.  
The palace, he left in such disarray.  
And the one speck of hope  
that he left at the throne  
Was a bandaged collection of somebody's bones.

Then  
He did the same thing  
To the card sanctuaries.  
Taking treasures  
Much too large  
For but one thief to carry.

It was quarter past dawn...  
All the priests, so distraught  
All the priests, they all knew,  
He would never be caught.  
Destroyed their feast day, their offerings! Their prayers! Their icons!  
The barque! And the food! And he'd soon get the items!

Three thousand feet on! Up the road to Kul Elna,  
He rode to the very edge of the kingdom, and looked on.  
"Damn all the Egyptians!" he was fiendlishly humming.  
They're finding out now that their feast isn't coming!  
They're waking in panic! I know just what they'll do!  
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two  
Then all the men down in Egypt will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned Bakura,  
"That I simply must hear!"  
So he paused. And the thief put a hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound rising over the sand.  
It started out soft. Then it filled the whole land...

But the sound wasn't sad!  
Why, this sound sounded merry!  
It couldn't be so!  
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Egypt!  
Bakura popped out his eyes!  
Then he shook!  
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Everyone down in Egypt, the tall and the small,  
Was praising! Without any hope left at all!  
He HADN'T stopped the festival from coming!  
IT CAME!  
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Bakura, with his ka resting there in the wind,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could I not win?  
It came without offerings! It came without barque!  
It came without rare food, icons or harps!"  
And he puzzled three hours, till he could puzzle no more.  
Then Bakura thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe the feasts," he thought, "cannot be ignored.  
Maybe Opet... perhaps... means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?  
Well...in Egypt they say  
That Bakura's dark ka  
It transformed that day!  
And the minute his ka didn't feel like a plight,  
He rode back into town through Ra's blessed light.  
And he brought back the icons! And the food for the feast!  
And he... HE HIMSELF...!  
Bakura  
The thief king.  
He carved the pale beast!


End file.
